


Five Times The Tears, Six Times The Smiles

by orphan_account



Category: The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-19
Updated: 2012-06-19
Packaged: 2017-11-08 02:05:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen can pretend, if it's for his sister..</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times The Tears, Six Times The Smiles

The first time I cried, the first time I full on wept (not the 'I-scraped-my-knee-and-it-hurts-so-I-am-tearing-up' kind of weeping, the 'I-killed-my-father-and-in-doing-so-may-have-signed-my-baby-sister's-death-certificate' kind) was the morning after January 17, we had just gotten off the bus, and were in a small town outside of Detroit, Michigan. Balancing Elle on my left arm, I try to hold the tears in for a few more minutes, just enough time to run my mouth and use Elle's giggles as a way to con the motel manager into believing that our parents are far too drunk, to come and register for the room. Using a credit card I swiped from a man on the bus, I buy us a room for a week. "Phew, I can't believe she bought that! Don't you think that was so suave, Ellie? Oh yes, you do! Oh yes, you do!" I coo to Ellie, as soon as we get in the door. All I get for an answer, is a series of loud giggles, and babbles, Elle should be able to speak by now as at twelve months and up, toddlers start to use sound in a meaningful way. They utter one-syllable words, make sounds imitating cars, and say things like, "uh oh", but I think she will be a late bloomer when it comes to speech season, our bio-dad didn't like noise (maybe, that's why he hates me, because I talk so much...), but she is safe now, so she will talk to her hearts content, someday... A quiet yawn, yanks me from my concerns for her future. A sad grin crosses my face, "Oh Ellie-girl, what am I going to do?", I ask gloomily, my voice almost cracking on her name. Gently cradling her, I put her down in a complimentary playpen that I had asked the manager to move into our room, tucking her in softly, I try not to worry about tomorrow, and all the things I need to do. I watch her silently for several moments before I go to the bathroom, closing the door behind me with an inaudible 'click', I turn on the tap, 'I need it off! There is red everywhere, beneath the surface of my skin, His blood is still there, under my fingernails I can still see the traces of red liquid-life, that kept him blee-, breathing mere hours earlier', I panic silently. Hotter, and hotter still, why isn't the water hot enough? It's everywhere on me, I know it! Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there... Splashing water on my face, I snap out of it! Elle needs me, not a pathetic shell of an older brother, snap out of it Jensen! So I sit quietly on the toilet seat and cry, if I get it all out tonight maybe I can attempt to be the kind of brother-, the kind of Father, Elle deserves, but not now, tomorrow. Finally when all the tears have been cried, all the whispers of blood scrubbed raw from my skin, I look in the mirror- I dry-heave deeply, in-out, in-out, in-out! It can't be! I have His eyes, the same deep blue, the same face, lips, nose, cheekbones- no, No, NO! I smash the mirror, I hit it wherever it reflects a feature of his, and then I hear it...so quiet, tired and confused I almost missed it. Silently exiting the bathroom, I glance around our motel room, looking for the sound only to see Elle standing up in her playpen/makeshift bed, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Walking over I grin, 'she is too cute, for her own good' I think, bending down so I am eye level with her, and she stops trying to scrub the sleep and fatigue from her eyes, and just looks at me with those beautiful, big, blue eyes, and says "Jay?", and I smile, because I have Elle, and for tonight, maybe that can be enough...

 

 

"Jake!" Elle (my now fully grown sister) shrieks. "Hmmm, yes Ellie?" I respond with a yawn. "Do you remember, what my first word was? Kelly asked, and I realized I don't know...?", she answers softly. "Ellie, what do you think it was?" "'Puppy', 'Uppie', 'Bottle', 'Blanket'? I don't know Jake, that was why I asked..." "...it was 'Jay', Ellie..." I answer her, tiredly and weirdly, not hurt, that she didn't guess my name. Confused at her sudden silence, (usually she talks more than me) I glance back over, and Elle has a huge grin on her face, I haven't seen one bigger, (except for when Kelly was born) and she is crying...? Rising from my seat, at her kitchen table I put a hand on her shoulder, before I can even ask, 'What's wrong?', she is hugging me, and whispering "I knew it! I knew it! It had to be 'Jay'!" excitedly in my ear, and then I get it. Encircling my arms around her, I think back to that night, all those years ago, and agree with my young self, 'Yeah, she's enough, her and Kelly...', and I smile, and hug her a little tighter, and try not to think of those twenty-five kids, whispers of blood, or burning childhood homes, because for now, she is enough, and I can still pretend...


End file.
